What to do....

Strange thing happened last week. My Dad had saved a section of the local newspaper for me. He pointed to an article about a fire at an apartment complex. He said, the story isn't why I saved it. He said, Look at the picture. I did, and read the caption below. It read "Police investigator *** ****** talks to .....". The police investigator was an old friend of mine. From when I was 14-16 years old. She was probably the first girl I ever had a real thing for. My recollections of her are very vague at this point, but I think she was a super nice person, and had a great smile. That smile is what I remember most.

So now I have that melancholy feeling again. I ask myself, what ever happened? I believe we somehow grew apart before high school was even over. I looked back at my old yearbooks and confirmed this - I don't see any signature from her in my senior year. I don't know what happened. I think she really had a crush on me too, especially now that I read the stuff she wrote in the yearbook. But I guess when you are 15 you can write things like "Love Always", and "I Love You" and it is really just "puppy love" or something..... I was an idiot back then. I probably never knew what I could have had. Now 20-25 years later, I see her in the paper. She still uses her maiden name. Does that mean she isn't married? Who knows. So I start to think about her. I look for information on the internet about her. I find nothing, other than a few other references to her job. It lasts a few days, and then I am able to put it out of my head......

Then tonight, I find myself driving by her street. Honestly, I was just cutting through that area while going to the mall. But I realize when I stop at the stop sign, this is the street she lived on. I Google earthed it the other night when I was looking up info on her. So I turn. And who do I see out in the driveway? Yup, there she is. I look, but I keep driving. She looked at me, but I am sure she had no idea who I was. The unfortunate thing about this is her street is a dead end, so I have to turn around and drive back by. I look again, but she doesn't seem to look this time. I continue on my way to the mall. I wonder, should I have stopped? How would I explain myself? Probably look like a psycho stalker. I mean, do I say, I was just driving by on your dead end street, and thought I would stop? PSYCHO STALKER....

So I am thinking about writing her a letter. What the heck would I say? This is just so weird. I wonder if she still lives in her parents house? I know her Dad is still around, he is the commissioner of public safety for a local town... I just wonder what she thinks of me. Heck, I wonder if she ever thinks of me. I am pretty sure I saw her a year or 2 ago coming out of a restaurant. I wanted to say something then, but I didn't. I mean, what do I have to lose by writing a letter? Other than what little self esteem I have left at this point in my life. Why do I want to do this? Why do I have this idealized picture of what kind of person she is now? I picture her being the nicest sweetest person in the world. Maybe I should just leave it that way.

I guess the bigger question is why do I never seem to maintain friendships? I have very few people that I would call friends. All of them are from work. Only 1 of them is someone who doesn't work with me anymore. Somehow we have managed to keep in touch, but we don't talk nearly as much as we used to. I guess I just don't believe that the effort required to put into a friendship is worth it. That is so sad. I know that is part of it. But the even greater part is not wanting to get hurt. I refuse to try and even get close to anyone, because if it somehow turns into any kind of relationship, I believe it will eventually end with me getting hurt.

I'm not sure how to get out of this funk I have put my life in. I have myself so convinced if I get out and socialize, I will be inviting trouble into my life. I still have the tiniest bit of hope that an angel of mercy will come into my life and show my I am wrong, but it is fleeting. Fast.